No Kiss Good-Night

The day of his thirty-ninth birthday, relationship counsellor Gus Adams was completely alone. He was supposed to have a birthday bash, surrounded by friends and coworkers, but everyone cancelled for this reason or that. Gus-left with a silly Staples birthday banner and chilled champagne, sans company-realized he had no one upon whom to depend, no one to love.
With sudden determination, Gus decided to find love-real, substantial love-before his dreaded fortieth birthday. After all, he knows how to make a relationship work. He spent his career listening to other people talk about their relationships. He knew what worked and what didn't, but Gus hadn't been in a romantic relationship in over ten years, since a heartless vixen tossed him out on the metaphorical curb.
A lot had changed over the past ten years; Gus placed all his conviction into fast-tracking his soul mate through the polished hands of a professional dating service. Soon, he'd be overwhelmed by free spirits who barely made it past date number one. Following forays into adultery, whip wielding seductresses, extortion, drinks spiked for male enhancement and a mandated admission to John School, Gus wondered if he'd ever make it to date number two.