Mystery of Grace

Understanding the grace of God was one of the biggest challenges in the early stages of my Christian walk. I was stuck between following the law of God and accurately understanding and embracing the love and grace of God through Jesus Christ, who is the fulfillment of the law. Because of this, I would consistently find myself in a pattern of self-righteous exaltation in my own efforts of maintaining a godly appearance and relationship with God.
This led me to a life of depravity and eventually agnosticism. I started to disbelieve the possibility of a god because the burden of trying to please him in my own efforts felt impossible. This brought me to a place of spiritual emptiness and mental drainage that I wanted to end, so it felt easier to completely deny him. Though I denied him, though, there was still a yearning in my heart to know him and to be endowed to my Creator.